Watch The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Online : Questing, decide to fight in a war that will probably kill them all. I know that being left as penniless refugees sucks, but I also know it’s not necessarily fatal, because of the dwarves at the center of this entire trilogy.
Watch Wild Movie Online : I don’t know if that’s how things happened with Bard in the book—it’s been about 20 years since I read it—but I also don’t care, because I’m talking about the movie, and in the movie,
Watch The Pyramid Online : it makes no sense. Bard has zero narrative importance for the last 2/3 of the movie, but he keeps popping his head in, because Jackson needs to pad the runtime with more battle scenes.
Watch Exodus: Gods and Kings Online : Once the battle’s over, he disappears completely. Were he and his fellow villagers able to rebuild Laketown? Did he ever accept his position as the town’s new Master after protesting against it even as he was leading his people into battle .
Watch Top Five Movie Online : (another instance of Jackson saying, “Hey, that worked in The Lord of the Rings. Let’s give it another try!”)? Did he ever return the Arkenstone, last seen in his possession maybe .
Watch Night at the Museum 3 Online : halfway through the movie and then completely forgotten about, to the dwarves? (When he’s 80 years old, he finds it in his sock drawer. “Heyyyy, this was important, wasn’t it? Should I mail it to someone, or…?”)
Watch Annie Movie Online : The movie’s full of plot points and character relationships (like the out-of-nowhere friendship between Thorin and Dwalin) that are leaned heavily on in the first half,
Watch Mr. Turner Online : only to be dropped completely once the battle starts, which results in a film that, when it turns its focus away from Thorin (which it does much of the time), is emotionally empty.
Watch The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 Online : Going by movie order, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is Revenge of the Sith; but if we’re looking at quality, it’s The Phantom Menace (ie, the worst) all the way.
Watch Penguins of Madagascar Online : Granted, it’s not as bad as The Phantom Menace. What is? But it is still, by far, the runt of the Middle Earth franchise family. The Faramir, if you will. Except Faramir is the greatest.
Watch Big Hero 6 Online : And he treats women a helluva lot better than The Battle of the Five Armies does.
Watch Dumb and Dumber To Online : But more on Tauriel later. First, I need to address the major, glaring problem with The Battle of the Five Armies, which is that it should not exist. The Hobbit started as a two-part movie.
Watch Interstellar Online : And it should have stayed that way, because by the time Peter Jackson gets around to the third installment, there just isn’t enough plot left sustain its full two hour.
Watch The Theory of Everything Online : An Unexpected Journey and The Desolation of Smaug both told their own stories, presented as part of a larger whole but still self-contained. But with Battle, once the dragon-killing is taken care of (it takes about 20 minutes).
Watch Birdman Online : All the movie really has left to do is build up to and stage what is essentially a bunch of people fighting over a mountain. A mountain that’s not all that important to most of them, at that. Epic this ain’t.
Watch St. Vincent Online : Jackson tries to raise the stakes by piggybacking on The Lord of the Rings, bringing to its conclusion a subplot that ties the fate of the Lonely Mountain with the rise of eventual big bad Sauron.
Watch Gone Girl Online : But that never quite hits. The justification as to why the Battle of the Five Armies has any impact on the wider fate of Middle Earth is half-assed at best: If taken by orcs.
Watch Beyond the Lights Online : We are told, the Lonely Mountain will allow two orc armies to join forces, which will somehow (the specifics are glossed over) help Sauron regain his power after Galadriel used her ring power to whammy him.
Watch Fury Online : Into a formless state in cool-looking but narratively unnecessary battle with the Ring Wraiths near the beginning of the film. But we know, because of The Lord of the Rings and because Saruman in this movie tells us.
Watch The Imitation Game Online : That Sauron’s play will have to involve getting the One Ring—the Lonely Mountain is ultimately completely irrelevant. There’s some lip service paid to the fact that the two armies joining will lead to the “Age of the Orc.
Watch Ouija Online : But that’s something that’s just tossed out there and never really explored. Need baddies for your characters to fight, but don’t want to put too much thought into it? Mindless Orc army! Sure!
Watch The Maze Runner Online : So, with the fate of Middle Earth firmly not in the balance, we’re left with the dwarves fighting in the Battle of the Five Armies to keep their homeland (OK), Gandalf and Bilbo fighting to save their dwarf buds.
Watch The Book of Life Online : Elves fighting because they hate dwarves and to get some diamond jewelry back from them (SERIOUSLY), and Bard and his fellow Laketown refugees fighting because Thorin (Richard Armitage).
Watch Annabelle Online : Refused to give them the gold he promised in exchange for their help in The Desolation of Smaug. Let me repeat that: Bard & co., ♥♥♥♥♥♥ that Thorin didn’t deliver promised payment for services rendered.
Last edited by vetern4554; December 23rd, 2014 at 10:01 AM.
