Please don't post your work and ask for tips on our thread. Since you're already here, I'll critique it for you.
1) Text is garbage. Doesn't fit, flow, or well....anything at all.
2) Why is the render so far off to the left and opaque?
3) It looks like a big background. C4Ds are supposed to help your render flow with the tag.
Overall, I'd say this isn't your best tag whatsoever.

